Don’t be afraid. Change is such a beautiful thing.
…is one of the quotes I have repeatedly told myself the last few weeks. Over and over again.
You guys haven’t heard of me for a while. I have been busy. Busy with all the changes in my life. I couldn’t find the time to post anything, and more importantly, I couldn’t find the words to write down whatever I was feeling.
The last blog post I posted was back in December, when I was still in India. Currently, it’s February, I’m in the Netherlands and my life feels like it’s turned upside down. I’m not going to lie, the last couple of weeks were hard on me. Leaving India, which felt like my home, was hard, just like I expected it to be. However, returning back home, was unexpectedly even harder.
Seeing our ‘welcome home’ committee at the airport was pretty amazing, hugging family and friends, kissing my boyfriend and telling stories. However, that feeling of happiness only lasted a few hours. First, tiredness kicked in. I thought I’d sleep it off and I’d be good. However, soon the reversed culture shock hit me. And then the homesickness back to India happened. I had to deal with the awful climate change (the cold is killing me!!). I missed the people, the warmth, the friendliness of the country.
At home, things changed too. Some house rearrangements had happened, so I lost my room, where I spent my entire childhood and got my sister’s room instead. I didn’t recognize my cat, he grew twice as big. I lost the job I worked at for 4 years. I was about to change my big future plan, that I’ve had for 3 years, about the university I want to go to. I got in a huge fight with my sister, whose basically my best friend. And the hardest part, my great love and I split up after 3 years of being together.
I felt completely lost.
I tried keeping myself busy, so I found multiple, new jobs. Started working 55 hours a week, hang out with my friends every weekend, danced as hard as I possibly could every Friday night in the club, watched endless amounts of episodes of the Vampire Diaries and prepared myself for my next big trip. I did anything I possibly could to get my head off of things. In fact, I don’t think people even noticed I felt somewhat miserable, I’m good in fake smiles and happy Instagram captions and at some point I, myself even thought I wasn’t doing horrible. However, it was the turning and tossing till 3 am every single night, that kind a gave it away.
However, acting like my life was all about rainbows and butterflies didn’t make everything ok. That didn’t make me feel ok. I realized I might have been trying too hard. So, I took a Sunday off and cried the entire afternoon, evening and night. Buckets full of tears. I embraced the sadness, because that is all I could possibly do. Also, I realized that maybe not today, but one day… I will be ok.
I couldn’t tell you how I’m doing right now. Sometimes, I feel happy, like when I’m dancing, singing and jumping around with my friends. Sometimes, I feel excited, like when Michelle and I are calling and talking about going to the prettiest place on earth within 2 weeks. Sometimes, I feel numb, like when biking back from work and realizing that this is my life right now,6 days a week, week in, week out. And sometimes, I feel sad, asking myself why 2 people who don’t behold a future together, can still be so, so in love with each other. While I wonder when I will ever get over my first, great love.
However, I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of change. It is because of making changes that I met some pretty cool, new colleagues at my new job. It is because of making changes that I might end up happier at a different University than expected. And it is because of making changes that I’m going to travel for 12 weeks to the most beautiful places.
Currently, I’m working on myself. And working really hard on being happy again. My next dream trip starts in 2 weeks and I’m beyond excited. Beyond excited to be back on the road again, doing what I love most.